I quit.

After coming to the conclusion that I hate cigarettes, I quit. They’re bullies, they’re gross, they inconvenience everyone, they’re expensive. The list goes on and on and on. It’s something only now I’m realizing: That my knowledge of these detriments has always had a “Yea, but…” attached to it.

But, anymore, I’m so sick of their shit and how they had overtaken my life. It’s bonkers to think that it dictated my preferences in places to go, especially. Like, any location with a smoking patio was automatically a better option than one without. I even developed a strategy for when to smoke during baseball games (on offense if they’re winning; on defense if they’re losing).

This is gonna be really difficult but I know this new attitude will definitely help. Because, before, I had such a love affair with smoking. I’ve dealt with suicidal ideation quite a bit and the idea was always that I was taking days off the back end end in order to soften the blow of today. But then I’ll go and spend time with my family and I’ll realize that I want to live so badly. I want as much time with them as possible. And so the blow of today is already softened by being around great people. It’s different now. It all matters more somehow and I’m desperate to experience it.

So this is gonna suck. It’s gonna be a longform fight against the urge to give in to the addiction. I have the patch, I have gum, I may or not get a vape at some point. More than anything, I have the Words–I’m gonna try my best to write my way through this. But I think it’ll finally stick somehow. There’s only one way to find out, I guess.

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