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captain’s edit: Post number 100! Let’s make a cake!

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This is the end of Jackass, of Wild Boyz, of Viva La Bam. There will be no more piss and shit and blood and sweat for your viewing pleasure.

On the bright side, it’s the best sendoff these shows could ever get because there’s a little bit of everything–April and Phil getting terrorized, Steve-O and Pontius fucking around with animals, and lots of the stunts that made them famous.

Also a lot of bodily fluid. A lot. In 3D, and slow motion, both of which are used in an incredible, and disgusting, way.

In spite of the content, I’d argue that this is some of the best 3D cinematography I’ve seen outside of Up. They really grabbed the technology by the reins, realizing that the stunts and the gross out effect could really be heightened by using this technology. This late in the game, when we’ve seen pretty much everything these guys could imagine, this helps to make the content still seem interesting.

They also got access to slow motion cameras that let you see every small moment of bone crunching awesomeness at 150 frames per second as someone gets nailed in the crotch or when anything you’d never, ever, want to see in slow motion occurs. You get the laughs at regular speed, then you get the gags when it’s in replay. Every action’s reaction is doubled.

I laughed until my mouth hurt, and the crowd I was with actually applauded at the end of the film–they knew it was the end too. Everyone knew this was the curtain call.

It’s amazing how much has changed since 2006 when Jackass #2 came out. Steve O is sober. Johnny Knoxville is a semi-reputable actor. Bam and the rest have kind of faded from glory. They’re all older.

The end credits are accompanied by highlights from the original show. When they show up, ten years younger, you come to realize how much these guys have grown up and how much pain they’ve endured over the years–including breaking an ankle while trying to jump the LA River (one of my favorite stunts of all time).

This film shows the Jackass gang at their most vulnerable. They back out of stunts, they run away from bees, they use ice packs.

It’s almost like the evolution of baseball–stay with me. In the beginning, it was violent and brash and painful. The story goes that if you got spiked in the early 20th century, you basically poured beer on it and went back on and continued playing. In today’s game, there’s trainers and ice and rules and outclauses.

In the Jackass of yore, there were no scenes of Bam icing his neck, or Knoxville getting his dog-bitten ass tended to by a medic. I’d assume that these things happened, but they were never included in the final cut. Here, these things are prominent as they happen after almost every stunt. It used to end with someone writhing in pain on the ground, someone runs up and punches him in the dick, fade out. Now, we see what happens after the cameras turn off. The logical conclusion.

These guys have gotten older and thereby their pain threshold has finally seemed to lower for the first time since they were stoned kids fucking around with each other.

Especially Steve-O. Dear Lord did he make this movie. This is the first time he’s done any stunts on tape that he’s been sober. You can tell that the whole experience feels different to him from the time during his first stunt he whispers and stammers out “I’m Steve-O,” then closes his eyes and turns to Knoxville and says, “Dammit why do I have to be Steve-O.” He exhales, mans up, and gets a baseball to the sack. Or during the bungee port-a-potty stunt from the trailers. You can just tell that he was getting through the pain with self medication. Now, he feels everything. I doubt he’ll be back if there’s ever a Jackass 4.

So, working class, here’s the answer to the “Is it worth the 3D surcharge?” Yes. Yes it is. It’s not like the Last Airbender that had minimal, horseshit, 3d. This is a 3D movie to the fullest.

Evan Almighty

I think I like Steve Carrell too much. He’s the only reason why I watched this movie and he’s definitely the most redeeming quality of it.

So the break down: After Bruce Almighty ended, Evan Baxter, Bruce’s counterpart on the evening news, becomes a senator or a congressman or some shit and then gets talked to by God into building an ark because a flood’s coming. And then Evan keeps seeing the number “614” everywhere, which is the verse where God tells Noah, “Build a motherfuckin’ boat.”

So Evan does as he’s told and gets chastised and gets fired for it. See, God thinks it’d be funny if he made Evan Baxter actually look like Noah by taking a page out of the Santa Claus and having his beard be unshavable and growing back every time he shaves it. And then his hair gets really long and white.

Steve Carrell as Evan Baxter as Noah, ladies and gentlemen. I don’t think God would find it very appealing to completely fuck someone over like that. I don’t even think he’d do that. He’s already commissioned Evan to build a fucking ARK. Who does that? No one. So he’s going to get publicly harangued for saying a flood’s coming and that they better fucking repent.

So why the crazy hair and the clothes and all that shit? Because it’s a shitty movie.

And it gets even worse. The flood turns out to only be a broken dam and this is all to prove a point that animals are worth something or some shit. I’m still unclear on the issue. But it was definitely a copout.

Why was it a cop out ending? Well, #1, the flood that Noah had to deal with killed every single motherfucker. Man, woman, child.

And here? Nobody dies. Not one single thing.

And why is that? Because they try to combine both Old Testament Wrath with New Testament forgiveness. And those two things don’t mix well. And don’t sit well with me. They turn my shit blacker than Pepto Bismol.

So I understand that this was a family film and that you can’t have people dying in a family film or something, but it still seemed far too righteous for its own good as well as having too much play with the idea.

Maybe it’ll take the sadistic Mel Gibson to make a real Noah’s Ark movie… He seems to love stories of yore, and guys doing impossible things. And he’s not afraid to murder people–even Jesus Caviezel!

And Morgan Freeman needs to get his teeth fix.